Monday morning, time to get back to work. First, I drop the kids off at school, and then, my morning ritual of getting coffee without leaving my car. On the drive home, I try to savor my coffee, but sometimes finish it while I sit in my drive way listening to Howard Stern. Yes, I work from home.

Once inside, the first thing I do is check my email. Between the spam are notifications of sales I made while sleeping. It’s fun checking to see how much I made in commission sales on the web, while not actually working.

This morning, the numbers are particularly good. I made $105 while I slept. Another email notifies me that HotCulo has come online. I briefly consider logging on to check her out. HotCulo is extremely popular and rarely online, and she has the most amazing ass. But, I need to get back to work.

Another email notifies me that an old high school buddy has responded to my Facebook friend request. He said that he enjoyed catching up with me, as he always wondered what happened to someone after they were kicked out of St. Albans.

I was not, exactly, kicked out of St. Albans. After several troubling years of grade school there, the school administration suggested that St. Albans was not a good place for me, and that I might have more success at another school. So, my parents sent me away to a boarding school where it was mandatory for every student to see a shrink twice a week.

My mother always told me that if I didn’t study, I would end up being a garbage man. Well, I never did study, and I did not become a garbage man. Clearly though, if I had become a garbage man, with the economy in its current down turn, I would likely be doing better than some of my St. Albans classmates. At least, I would have a job.

After I graduated high school in 1986, I spent more than ten years doing every possible job which did not require a trained skill. Everything from processing hamburgers at a meat factory in Israel, to bussing tables at a University of Minnesota Sorority House, to becoming a local celebrity as an ice cream vendor at minor league baseball games in St. Paul, to helping fill audiences for the Arsenio Hall Show by giving away free tickets on Venice Beach. It was an adventure, but it didn’t build any type of a future for myself. My total assets at the end of this carefree existence equaled what it did when I was still in grade school at St. Albans – 0.

When the commercial Internet was still in its infancy, and I was living again with my parents, I made two decisions, which, at the time seemed very insignificant. The first decision was to bet a lot of money on a few football games; the second was to place an ad in The Washington City Paper personals. I really had no money to be gambling, and the ad in the personals was a desperate attempt to find somebody, anybody, who was at least somewhat attractive, to sleep with me.

This was not the first time I had bet a bunch of money I did not have on football games. Nor was it the first time I had run an ad in the personals. What made this time different were the results: I won several thousand dollars on the bets, and a beautiful woman responded to my ad. She not only agreed to sleep with me, but later, agreed to be my wife.

With the money I won, I went out and spent $3200 on the best home PC made at the time. It featured a Pentium II processor running at a whopping speed of 266 MHz; $900 of the cost went towards getting an almost flat screen 17″ monitor. Though totally useless today, the computer is still in storage, simply because I can’t bare the thought of throwing away something I spent so much money on.

A doctor friend who went to St. Albans with me asked if I was going to spend so much money on a PC, how exactly, was I planning on using it? At the time, I could not give him an answer. The cultural revolution of Internet porn had not yet begun. Though he was a good friend, I still did not feel comfortable explaining that I had to buy this computer in order to download scans of women with perfectly smooth, beautiful round asses.

Illegally downloading copyrighted porn images is much safer than stealing porn magazines from the local drug store (how I got my porn when I was a kid), and certainly less humiliating than hanging out at the local video store browsing porn behind the adults only door.

My future wife, wanting me to find some kind of career path, said that the $3200 I spent on the computer should go towards something more, than just entertainment. She agreed, or rather said it was ok, if I learned to make porn websites for a living.

Making a living – that is what I am supposed to be doing. So, I close out my email, and open up my browser to check the new updates from Nasty Dollars. Nasty Dollars is an online company which hosts their own adult pay websites. They shoot and promote all of their own content. I am an affiliate of theirs. Every $4.95 trial sign up to one of their sites earns me $35, as long as the customer came to their website via one of mine. The reality is, the average customer who pays $4.95 for a trial ends up spending more than $35 at the website over time. However, Nasty Dollars makes far more off the free promotion I am giving their sites, which is why they can afford to pay $35 when they have initially made only $4.95.

One of the new updates from Nasty Dollars features Alexis Texas, one of the very best asses, if not the best ass, in porn. I copy and paste three links to short video clips, all featuring her great ass, into my blog. Wow! Does that Alexis Texas have a great ass or what? I find myself studying her perfect curves. Maybe I should take a break from working for a bit, and practice man’s favorite past time? But, I just started my day. It is not even 9 AM, yet. Maybe if I just take care of things now, I can spend the rest of the day working. I remember, though, I often take a nap after doing that. So, I push on.

I need to write compelling porn copy, which should include many keywords for the search engines to index. Words like apple ass, bubble butt, and phat booty are mandatory. Website traffic coming directly from search engines is the second best at converting to sales. The best conversion rate comes from visitors who type in your domain name directly. The worst conversion rates come from surfers who had no intention of visiting the website in the first place. But don’t get me wrong. There is a good reason why, when your wife or mother walks in the room and you quickly try to close your browser, seven windows pop up displaying hardcore porn. Those pop ups generate revenue!

Wow! Alexis Texas has an amazingly phat booty. Her bubble butt is true perfection! I could live with my face between those glorious ass cheeks…

I finish writing the copy, and then ponder what to do next. I own and manage over 100 adult web sites. The $105 I made last night was great, considering I hadn’t made a sale in the past five days. A few years back, before the recession started, I was pulling between four and six grand a month. But, the internet changes all the time. A lot of what I sold before can now be gotten for free. And the strategies I used to use to generate traffic, don’t always work these days. The biggest problem, is deciding what strategy to use. If I knew what was going to work, what was going to generate revenue, I would just do it. But I don’t know. Not only that, there are the thousands of other webmasters out there who are sitting at their own computers right now thinking exactly what I am thinking.

I ponder more, and begin to wonder, again, how I ever got myself in this business in the first place? It was a fantasy. Eventually, I was going to video my own content like the great Buttman and Seymore Butts. I would screw the stars – the porn stars.

Back in the day, the Internet had many dot coms still available when I decided I would be Lucky Ass. On March 19, 1998, I registered the domain name LuckyAss.com. This spring will mark the 12th anniversary of my career in porn.

Some career I have. With the economy in its current state, my self-taught computer skills just aren’t cutting it any more. So, I recently returned to school. Phone apps are all the rage now, and I want to jump on that money train. I can make my living programming porn apps. Or, maybe it doesn’t have to be porn at all. Yesterday, I registered the domain name HowardSternApps.com. Maybe I can parlay that into a fortune? What to do? What to do, right now?

The highlight of my porn career has to be going to the AVN Awards in Las Vegas a couple years back. I took a couple of old friends from St. Albans with me. I needed them there for emotional support. I didn’t have the balls to pull off my planned stunt, alone. As Lucky Ass, I walked around the show floor with my video camera asking porn stars if they like football. The NFL Conference Championship games were also that weekend, so I would ask them who they were rooting for. Then, I would ask them if they liked having their ass licked. The answers were across the board. It was great! One of my St. Albans friends who was with me aspires to one day be The Surgeon General of the United States. He has made me swear that I never tell anyone he was with me. I now call him Dr. X.

Today, I went to open my mail, not email, but the kind that still comes to the mail box sitting in front of my house. One letter was from the St. Albans Alumni Association. Apparently, I attended the school long enough, for them to consider me an alumnus and solicit me for donations. This one was not asking for donations, however. Rather, it was an invitation to participate in Career Day, where alumni discuss their career with the seniors so as to help decide on a career path.

Obviously, the alumni department was not aware of what I do for a living. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea for me to give a talk, though? Whereas, a few years back I might have stood up in front of the students and told them to forget school, because there are easier ways to make a living, now I would be a good example of what career path not to choose. And I could tell them to stay in school and be studious, so as to provide themselves the best opportunity to have a successful career in the future. They could later choose to be a garbage man, if they wanted to be a garbage man, but an education gives them more options to choose from.

I sound like my mother.